Great sports movies deliver a happy ending and an uplifting moral. Here’s the formula:
1. MARCH TO VICTORY
A box turtle crosses my path as I finish the walking loop at the park. A wire fence butts up against the blacktop path. On the other side of the fence, a hill juts skyward. Turtle plods toward the fence and the wilderness beyond. One awkward wobbly step after another. Makes it to the fence.
2. FAILURE
Turtle’s too big to squeeze through the openings in the mesh. It pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line. Tries again.
This is a disaster. Turtle could get eaten. It needs to get up that hill. I kick at the dirt, to dig a trench under the fence. But my footwork can’t get far enough underneath.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line.
I could carry it to—. Yeah, right. No way that’s happening.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line.
Along comes an old hippie—white-bearded, white-pony tailed. I put on my best damsel-in-distress voice. “This poor little turtle is trapped.”
The hippie studies the situation. “Yeah.”
He’s definitely going to save the day.
He strokes his beard. “If you touch ‘em, you get Salmonella.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line.
3. BIG PLAY
The hippie moseys on and then yells back. “Hey, it’s broken here. He can get through.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line … toward the broken section.
I punch the air. “You’re gonna make it.”
Turtle reaches the break. Proceeds to trudge through, on its way to the safety of the hillside.
4. SLOW MOTION SHOT
While I hop around in a victory dance, Turtle progresses only halfway through the opening. It could not possibly go any slower.
Turtle comes to a full stop.
I freeze, mid-hop.
5. BIG FINISH
Turtle plods through the fence break.
6. WILD CELEBRATION
But encounters a heap of mowed grass. I slump, emotionally drained. Turtle pokes its head into the grass, pushes with one foot, gains an inch. To ascend the hill, Turtle is going through the pile instead of around.
Rather than witness this torturous tunneling, I take a second lap around the park, and twenty minutes later return to the scene. There is no turtle climbing the hill. Oh no, a racoon ate it. I squat for a closer look.
Deep inside the heap of grass, Turtle is sealed up in its shell, safe at home.
7. THE MORAL
Always ask a turtle what it wants to accomplish, before you freak out about helping it.
1. MARCH TO VICTORY
A box turtle crosses my path as I finish the walking loop at the park. A wire fence butts up against the blacktop path. On the other side of the fence, a hill juts skyward. Turtle plods toward the fence and the wilderness beyond. One awkward wobbly step after another. Makes it to the fence.
2. FAILURE
Turtle’s too big to squeeze through the openings in the mesh. It pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line. Tries again.
This is a disaster. Turtle could get eaten. It needs to get up that hill. I kick at the dirt, to dig a trench under the fence. But my footwork can’t get far enough underneath.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line.
I could carry it to—. Yeah, right. No way that’s happening.
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line.
Along comes an old hippie—white-bearded, white-pony tailed. I put on my best damsel-in-distress voice. “This poor little turtle is trapped.”
The hippie studies the situation. “Yeah.”
He’s definitely going to save the day.
He strokes his beard. “If you touch ‘em, you get Salmonella.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps against the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line.
3. BIG PLAY
The hippie moseys on and then yells back. “Hey, it’s broken here. He can get through.”
Turtle pokes its head through a square, pushes forward. Bumps the wire. Backs up, lumbers two inches down the fence line … toward the broken section.
I punch the air. “You’re gonna make it.”
Turtle reaches the break. Proceeds to trudge through, on its way to the safety of the hillside.
4. SLOW MOTION SHOT
While I hop around in a victory dance, Turtle progresses only halfway through the opening. It could not possibly go any slower.
Turtle comes to a full stop.
I freeze, mid-hop.
5. BIG FINISH
Turtle plods through the fence break.
6. WILD CELEBRATION
But encounters a heap of mowed grass. I slump, emotionally drained. Turtle pokes its head into the grass, pushes with one foot, gains an inch. To ascend the hill, Turtle is going through the pile instead of around.
Rather than witness this torturous tunneling, I take a second lap around the park, and twenty minutes later return to the scene. There is no turtle climbing the hill. Oh no, a racoon ate it. I squat for a closer look.
Deep inside the heap of grass, Turtle is sealed up in its shell, safe at home.
7. THE MORAL
Always ask a turtle what it wants to accomplish, before you freak out about helping it.
